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Basketball is Back!!

Chris Schneck

Over / under bets are the hot or not of the National Basketball Association. Are we going to swipe left or right on the following teams? Let’s find out!

The Los Angeles Lakers: Under 28. Ever go back to your alma mater for an alumni weekend and none of your friends could come back? You get stuck hanging out with some guy named Patches? Or you go out back to shotgun a beer and the sophomores are fumbling with their keys and spraying beer everywhere like its Senior Prom? Welcome to the 2015 Lakers.

Koke is back for alumni weekend and will try to resist hazing the new guys who are living in *his* fraternity house. The Lakers are so obviously not going to win 28 that should open betting lines on other things. Over/under number of tears that Roy Hibbert sheds on the court this season. Over/under number of times Swaggy P stops the game to post on Instagram photo. Over/under number of games until Jeanie Buss goes full Jerry Jones on poor Jim Buss.


Golden State Warriors: Over. They won the NBA Championship last year and won 67 games before the post season even started. Steph is back and so is Clay. Iggy is back and so is Bogut. But most importantly, the Warriors Spirit Animal is back for more cool stories and even cooler adult beverages:

Sixers: Over 21. The Fighting Hinkies! The Tankadelphia Jojos! There is so much to love here – I am steering right into the skid.

Dissension in the ranks – I don’t care. Hinkie sure as hell doesn't care. Joel Embid had a setback because he wouldn’t wear his walking boot – all part of the plan! The Hinkies have the next Theo Ratliff in Nerlens Noel (which isn’t nearly as bad as it sounds). The Hinkies fleeced the Sacramento Kings out of Sauce Castillo, the number 11 draft pick in last year’s draft. And, the Hinkies will trot out the 2015-16 Rookie of the Year, Jahlil Oka-For-The-Future! Bret Brown is part of the Spurs Mafia and will coach the hell out of this team.

Here is the *real* secret sauce though: No one in the East is going to tank. Orlando is in year three of its rebuild and wants results. The Nets don’t have their pick and will strive for mediocrity. Derek Fisher is fighting for his job with the Knicks, could be fighting Matt Barnes any day, and is fighting for his future basketball wife). The Celtics, Pistons, Pacers, and Bucks all have playoff aspirations. The 76ers could win 22-25 games and still have tons of ping-pong balls.

Miami Mafia: Over 47 wins. Don't mess with the Mafia.

Flaming Hot Takes:

Ricky Rubio will run and gun his way to All Star considerations! Yes – this Ricky Rubio. Shouts to the late Flip Saunders for one of the best superstar fire sales in memory (Wiggins for Love) and the team will surely dedicate this season to Flip. Player-coach Kevin Garnett will stabilize the stable of YouTube stars and wrangle them into a basketball team under the point guard wizardry of Spanish Steve Nash.

Sauce Castillo makes more 3s than Kyle Korver. Korver is old and Sauce isn’t. Korver is so old that I remember him getting run out of Philadelphia for being too slow during W’s presidency. Guess who is in Philadelphia now? Guess who is going to see more Green Lights than Vin Diesel in Fast and Fuvious 17? That’s right – STOUSKAS!!

Playoff Seeds:

Tee-Ball Division

1.     Chicago Bulls

2.     Cleveland Cavaliers

3.     Washington Wizards

4.     Miami Heat

5.     Atlanta Hawks

6.     Toronto Raptors

7.     Boston Celtics

8.     Indiana Pacers

Legitimate Basketball Division

1.     Golden State Warriors

2.     OKC Thunder

3.     Houston Rockets

4.     LA Clippers

5.     SA Spurs

6.     Memphis Grizzlies

7.     Phoenix Suns

8.     Dallas Mavericks

This is the year of the little brothers not getting allowed to play on the Xbox because the big brother says so. Institutional memory allows the Heat, Pacers, Mavericks to claim the playoff slots that “should” probably go to the Bucks, Detroit, and Jazz. 

Zach Lowe's MVP Picks

I don't care what the public wants. The public will vote Kobe, Dwyane, and a few other knuckleheads who were good before America decided folks had a right to be gay. Instead, I am going to predict who Grantland and Zach Lowe think deserve to honored on All-Star Weekend. 

Eastern Conference

Starters: G Kyle Lowry (20 pounds lighter); G John Wall (f*** you Collin Cowherd); FC Jimmy Butler (f*** you Derek Rose); FC LeBron James (Respect the King while you can -- Winter is Coming); FC Paul George (f*** positions)

Reserves: G Derek Rose (f*** you Jimmy Butler); G Goren Dragic G FC David Lee (Shh Don't call it a comeback); FC Pau Gasol FC Carmelo Anthony (Padding stats until he gets traded); G Derek Rose (f*** you Jimmy Butler) Wild Cards: Chris Bosh and Al Horford 

Western Conference

G Steph Curry (with the pot); G James Harden (Mr. Kardashian); FC Anthony Davis (MVP); Blake Griffin (when did he become underrated); FC Kevin Durant (Slim Reaper) 

Reserves: G Mike Conley G Andrew Wiggins (Welcome to 2015) FC Draymond Green FC Serge Ibaka FC BOOGIE Wild Cards: Mark Gasol;  Russ (no last name)

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